Friday, May 5, 2017


Healing. A long process that needs to happen. It's like a really crazy sickness. When it first hits, you're whole body's soaked in agony. In short, it's a bitch. The longer you have the sickness though, it gets better. You learn how to manage the pain and the pain slowly reduces. So I guess it gets better.

After 2 months, I find that I'm starting to find more happiness (or occasionally more sadness) from other things. Today I've accepted that it's ok to not want someone, just for now until I feel I'm ready. It's fine because I have a whole life ahead of me. I've got my career and I don't intend to have kids. I do missing the small stuff. Having someone to look forward to hearing from or to cuddle with but I think it's good to learn how to be able to live without those things again. Maybe I'll consider finding someone again but right now, I could care less. Sure it's nice to look but the most I''ll do is say hi, and the furthest it may go is just me being friends.

A friend of mine made a good point. Society fails us and if I think about it, I've done some of these things. I guess we always have a prejudice about someone without getting to know them. For awhile, I did try to get to know people but that got me into trouble. By that I met a guy who was odd and manipulative. So I kept my guard up again. Still, I do try to get to know people before making a judgement about them. Sometimes I unconsciously do but I feel we should treat everyone nicely, or try to if they're being rude. If they're still rude, just walk away. Anyway, I can sense people think I'm weird and I'm only saying this because it's been what I've been told my whole life. Still, it could be my prejudice. In a way, I've embraced it. I say it makes me who I am. Sometimes, on the really bad days, I'm sad because I figure people stay away from me because of that. I'm just really quiet because I don't like to bother people and sometimes, I never know what to say or where to look. I will admit, I am getting better at talking to people compared to when I was 16. I'm approaching my 20s so I guess I can say I have grown. Who knows.

Nighty night.

Tuesday, May 2, 2017

The harsh side of love

On one hand, I shouldn't be too hard on myself. It's been 2 months since my ex-boyfriend broke up with me. To say my world crashed that day is an understatement. I felt like I died. The next day just felt like a horrible nightmare. I felt like a zombie just trying to blend into the world.

Everyone says go out after you get dumped. All I want to do is just stick with my friends and never fall in love again. You see, the harsh side of love is that sometimes when you open yourself up to someone, you become vulnerable. When they leave you out of the blue, you break. I guess I'm lucky to be in school and have good friends if not, I'd be worse off.

Ever since I was a little girl, I dream't about meeting a guy who was funny, loving, and caring. He was but he said I wasn't the right girl for him plus he moved far away so I guess I should have saw it coming. That didn't really hurt because it made sense. What did hurt was how fast he got over me. I was and still am angry because he had time to detox and I didn't. After you give your heart to someone, you get dumped and they don't even give a second glance. To say it feels like I've been stabbed is not an adequate description. I think the more appropriate way of describing how I feel is that I only want friends and a career. I never want to be with anyone again or open myself that much and feel like that again. Not now anyway.

I can't put all my thoughts onto paper because they're too many. Everyday I play detective, trying to figure out what some of them mean. Some days I do find out what they mean. I hate the road to recovery but I'm slowly getting better. I've managed to slowly detach myself from caring and I've forgotten all our memories. That meaning I don't bother to think of them. I didn't get proper closure which was unfair but now isn't the time for that. The truth is I hate no one, I just feel abandoned.

Whatever. It's happened before and I've made it through. I'll be fine.