Saturday, June 3, 2017

A new beginning

Acceptance is the hardest stage to get to in the stages of grief. Alot of times I think I've reached it and I can resume living my life but I think it's just my way of coping. I haven't really reached the stage. I'm half way there. 

I decided to do something today that I should have done earlier. I'm phasing him out of my life. I'm not going to lie. There is a little sadness in my life. I'm sad that that part of my life had to turn into this. Yet I remember what a good friend asked me. Would one action change anything. I've answered this question. It really won't for the scars are still visible. I feel like I've been trying to sow the pieces of my heart back together. While the seams have been ripped apart, this step I'm taking is me trying to sow it back again, you know, just with stronger thread. Haha. Despite the lack of success I'm having trying to accept this, I've accepted that he's a different person. He's not the boy I fell in love with and in some way. that boy isn't there anymore. The boy who I once could tell all my secrets too and would always turn to for a cuddle is  not there anymore. And yet, even if this makes me sad, it's life and I have to accept it. The person he has become, I realize, is someone I don't want to be friends with. A good friend said to me, "give what you get." He doesn't try anyway so I shouldn't. Instead, I should enjoy the rest of my degree, the company of my friends, and my family in summer. The truth is I do have more dreams than my own house but I'm too afraid to place hopes on them. And yet in some weird twist of fate, I've found some form of hope. Something that makes me happy and excited again, excited to live life and explore. Maybe this is my new beginning. 

Friday, May 5, 2017


Healing. A long process that needs to happen. It's like a really crazy sickness. When it first hits, you're whole body's soaked in agony. In short, it's a bitch. The longer you have the sickness though, it gets better. You learn how to manage the pain and the pain slowly reduces. So I guess it gets better.

After 2 months, I find that I'm starting to find more happiness (or occasionally more sadness) from other things. Today I've accepted that it's ok to not want someone, just for now until I feel I'm ready. It's fine because I have a whole life ahead of me. I've got my career and I don't intend to have kids. I do missing the small stuff. Having someone to look forward to hearing from or to cuddle with but I think it's good to learn how to be able to live without those things again. Maybe I'll consider finding someone again but right now, I could care less. Sure it's nice to look but the most I''ll do is say hi, and the furthest it may go is just me being friends.

A friend of mine made a good point. Society fails us and if I think about it, I've done some of these things. I guess we always have a prejudice about someone without getting to know them. For awhile, I did try to get to know people but that got me into trouble. By that I met a guy who was odd and manipulative. So I kept my guard up again. Still, I do try to get to know people before making a judgement about them. Sometimes I unconsciously do but I feel we should treat everyone nicely, or try to if they're being rude. If they're still rude, just walk away. Anyway, I can sense people think I'm weird and I'm only saying this because it's been what I've been told my whole life. Still, it could be my prejudice. In a way, I've embraced it. I say it makes me who I am. Sometimes, on the really bad days, I'm sad because I figure people stay away from me because of that. I'm just really quiet because I don't like to bother people and sometimes, I never know what to say or where to look. I will admit, I am getting better at talking to people compared to when I was 16. I'm approaching my 20s so I guess I can say I have grown. Who knows.

Nighty night.

Tuesday, May 2, 2017

The harsh side of love

On one hand, I shouldn't be too hard on myself. It's been 2 months since my ex-boyfriend broke up with me. To say my world crashed that day is an understatement. I felt like I died. The next day just felt like a horrible nightmare. I felt like a zombie just trying to blend into the world.

Everyone says go out after you get dumped. All I want to do is just stick with my friends and never fall in love again. You see, the harsh side of love is that sometimes when you open yourself up to someone, you become vulnerable. When they leave you out of the blue, you break. I guess I'm lucky to be in school and have good friends if not, I'd be worse off.

Ever since I was a little girl, I dream't about meeting a guy who was funny, loving, and caring. He was but he said I wasn't the right girl for him plus he moved far away so I guess I should have saw it coming. That didn't really hurt because it made sense. What did hurt was how fast he got over me. I was and still am angry because he had time to detox and I didn't. After you give your heart to someone, you get dumped and they don't even give a second glance. To say it feels like I've been stabbed is not an adequate description. I think the more appropriate way of describing how I feel is that I only want friends and a career. I never want to be with anyone again or open myself that much and feel like that again. Not now anyway.

I can't put all my thoughts onto paper because they're too many. Everyday I play detective, trying to figure out what some of them mean. Some days I do find out what they mean. I hate the road to recovery but I'm slowly getting better. I've managed to slowly detach myself from caring and I've forgotten all our memories. That meaning I don't bother to think of them. I didn't get proper closure which was unfair but now isn't the time for that. The truth is I hate no one, I just feel abandoned.

Whatever. It's happened before and I've made it through. I'll be fine.

Saturday, April 29, 2017

The end of a chapter

I suppose no matter how happy the beginning of a tragedy is, it is still a tragedy.  In my case, I needed help from a friend yesterday and he didn't come through for me. I never got a reply is what I'm saying.

I guess he was busy or he doesn't give a damn anymore. It's a hard reality to face but if it's one to help me get better, than it's one worth facing. Why is all of today's music so bloody depressing anyway? It's oddly a Sunday. I say oddly because I'm never usually up this early or awake on a Sunday but here I am, writing in my blog.

I suppose the plan of action is to not talk to him until he sorts himself out or better yet, just not talk at all. I wonder what's going on for him. I wish I could help. Ah well. I can't dwell on that too long or it's just going to stress me out. I got my cat cat litter and a new cat bowl because she needed it. Dad may scream at me but so be it. I'm just waiting for the cafe to open before I get back to my oh so depressing and lame assignment. I can't wait to get out of school. I'm so sick of trying to read between the lines. Then again, we do it everyday if you think about it.

Ah well. It wouldn't hurt if I made a start on it now.

Deja vu

Even the strong fall down from time to time. I could say it's the worst feeling in the world.

A few years ago when I was 16, I had a bad day at school. It's been 4 years since I've had a day as bad as that but in a way, it makes me feel a little better. It shows how far I've come. I'm not going to talk about yesterday. It was mostly horrible but it's over. I'd rather talk about something I wrote 4 years ago.

Let's just say I was asked to do some after school activity that I didn't want to do. I was stressed, exhausted, and had failed a physics test that day. To give you some context, I was the kid in school who usually got As except in math, but never failed a test. It sounds stupid now because it was  just a test but that day, I was struggling to keep it together. Having to do this extra activity that I made clear to the heads that I had no desire to do was not what I wanted to deal with. I tried to get out of it because I knew I was not in a good head space. For the next 3 hours, I tolerated rude kids and I lost it. As soon as it was over, I broke into tears. I'd never felt so angry in my life but I was then. I proceeded to just ignoring everyone for the rest of the day except for the one friend who protected me. He tried to be on my side and I trusted him enough to tell him what was going on. In my own special way. The good thing about him was he knew when I was mad, I never talked. I just wrote. So I wrote and he read what I had to say. He never judged me. He was a true friend.

Whatever happened yesterday is insignificant. The good part was seeing one of my best friends and getting a parcel from who I'd address as my adopted parents who I do love in my own way. They loan me a book that I've read part of. I'll read more after I write this. I've known them for a short while but they help me keep sane sometimes. I like them because their genuine and good.  They may be different from everyone I know, different being they had a different upbringing then me, but that's why I enjoy talking to them. It's fresh, I learn something, they actually seem interested in my life. It's nice. My mom's amazing too though. She always checks on me and makes sure I'm ok.

Moving sucks but moving countries is worse. You start from ground 0. No friends and if you have social anxiety like me, you have another problem. Yet despite this personality trait, I'm slowly coming out of my shell and learning to trust people. I've recently reached a few set backs this year but I try. What can I say, I'm annoying like that.

I'm slowly getting over the fact that I'm single. Truly it's not all bad. I love that I can come home to someone but I guess being single means I get the whole bed to myself and I don't have to share the chicken wings. Plus I figure if the time isn't now, then it's later. God that sounds so stupid. My point is someone better may come along. Hell maybe someone who'll blow me away. Hell hopes I'll blow them away but then I would have to build a giant fan and I'm tiny so I wouldn't even be able to carry it. So I'll just need to find an industrial sized one.

What am I even going on about? Ok let me tell you all my personal details. I come from this place called Hogwarts and am in Ravenclaw. Ok now you know my address.

K. Bye.